The Ugly Truth

Everyone talks about “focusing on themselves” and “self-improvement”, but what does that actually look like? Maybe you’ve been hitting the gym more, and fixing your diet and sleep habits. Maybe that’s deleting some apps off your phone and spending more time on working and being productive. Maybe self-help means going to therapy and talking through your problems. For me, self-improvement has entailed all of these things, and I’ve noticed a lot of positive physical and emotional changes. While I’ve come very far from the person I was four years ago, I feel stuck at times, and I’m well aware that I’m not the person I want to be. Here are some ugly truths I’ve had to confront to break the cycles of stagnancy. 

You have to want to change. It’s easy to say that you want to grow as a person because it sounds right, but the hard truth is that change is uncomfortable at times. It’s easy to be stuck in old habits and to do what you’re used to because you don’t know better. When it came to my relationships, I certainly made this mistake plenty of times, reverting back to trauma responses I adopted from my upbringing. Being single has given me the time and space to confront the roots of this issue and learn to practice healthier coping mechanisms. It’s also motivated me to want to change in a way that being in a relationship couldn’t motivate me; the pain of losing someone I loved so deeply moves me to want to better myself so I do not experience this hurt again.  

There is not one truth that will lead you to change. It’s a little confusing, but let me explain. I used to think that there was always one solution to my problems. If I thought about my issues hard enough, maybe the lightbulb in my head would suddenly go off and I would be able to resolve everything. While searching for that thought is hard, the most difficult realization I made was that there was no singular answer to my problems. There isn’t a revelation I could have that would help me just get over it. While you may not think you are worthy of the time and effort you dedicate to other people or different aspects of your life, there is no alternative. There isn’t an easy way out, and I spent a long time grieving this fact. Now that I’ve internalized the fact there isn’t a single solution, I’m better equipped to actually begin working on my mental health by putting in the effort and resources to change. 

Your best is enough. I don’t think I could emphasize this more. For so long, I struggled with the idea that I could give something my all, and it still wouldn’t turn out how I wanted. This is a notion I’m still grappling with, but there is no correlation between your best (level of effort) and sufficiency. My friend came up with an amazing metaphor, and it’s something I tell myself a lot. For context, I play lacrosse, and I’ve played every position on the field. Regardless of whether you’re playing attack (controlling the play) or defense (reacting to the play), you’re still playing lacrosse. You can break someone’s ankles, make the perfect pass, or get scored on. You’re still playing lacrosse, and while you have to acknowledge your mistakes, you also have to acknowledge that you’re growing from them and moving forward. Your best is enough, and your capacity for growth can also change.

Hopefully, this helps anyone on their self-discovery journeys. Best of luck to you, and see you on the other side!